This summer I had a breakthrough and decided that I was going to stop feeling sorry and apologizing for the actions of other people that I couldn’t control. It was a profound thing and lead to much greater mental health and clarity. Then of course, the bottom drops out and life falls apart for people you love and once again I find myself back in the struggle.
How do I deal with the fact that I chose a piece of shit to be my daughter’s biological father? I’ve tried my best to be a good mom and to put her first and teach her to be a strong woman, but how can that be balanced with someone who’s always trying to tear her apart? How do you pick up the pieces and not feel the slightest twinge of guilt that it’s your fault that she is in this mess to begin with because you thought someone could change and be a decent father?
I remember when I first saw the lines appear on the pregnancy test and I had that pause in the back of my mind. Maybe I should run away and not tell him that I’m pregnant. Maybe I should just leave and move far away so he’d never know about this baby. If he hadn’t known that I was taking the test, I might have. Only a few days later, I had to lock myself in the bathroom to escape one of his rages with him pounding on the door. He cracked the paint on the inside of the door that night, but luckily, me and my beautiful little girl growing inside me were unharmed...physically anyway.
Fast forward almost 17 years and he’s done everything to try to get her to hate me, just like he does. He will always hate me for leaving. Hate me for being happy and for making my life better. Hate me for being loved by an amazing man, and most of all being loved by her. I sometimes think that he looks at Katie and sees me or he wouldn’t treat her so badly. I know in his sick and twisted way that he loves her, but that doesn’t excuse the hurtful things he has done. It doesn’t make me feel any less guilty either.
